I'm still in my rough patch and figured I'd sit down to vent and write about my day, because I have a Hieroglyphs quiz tomorrow, so why the heck not be a normal college student for one day and just write and procrastinate instead of memorizing for the fiftieth time which symbols go with which sounds? I got up at six for classes, and really, really didn't want to. I'm still not used to this whole classes on Sunday deal. Especially when I see people studying in Europe who get Sundays off.
I... get Fridays off? Woohoo!
Anyway. I got up, went to Art & Architecture of Ancient Egypt, and took the usual two pages of notes on things like the Narmer Palette (stone palette depicting a strong overarching theme of the unification of upper and lower Egypt with King Narmer) and "art as religion" which is my Professor's favorite saying in the history of sayings ever. And then I had a break from 9:45 until 2:00, which bodes unwell for the unsettled mind. I sat in the library and watched the newest episode of Doctor Who, and that made me happy for a while, and then I got around to thinking.
About internships for the summer. About the fact that if I hadn't come here, I'd have money to do a field school this summer, which is what I really want to do. About even if I can afford to go to Greece I shouldn't because then I won't have money to go to Sinai, which is also another big to-do on my list. I'm confused, my head hurts, and I honestly couldn't think straight. I got to the point they warned us about during orientation - the point of homesickness where you begin to regret your decision to come, and you start to dislike everything.
I went and got my Visa today, to stay here past one month. The girls before me and after me both got Student visas, like they asked. For some reason, he wouldn't let me get a student visa. Instead, he made me pay 12 L.E. more for an extended Tourist visa until December with Multiple Reentry. What. The. Heck. If my visa ends before December, I'm going to be one unhappy person. I am sort of already unhappy. You know... that stage about regret? Yeah. It's pretty strong.
And I'm learning things about myself in ways I would've preferred not to learn. I had an inkling that I would fit in more in a European country. I like it here, don't get me wrong. But I don't want to make the Middle East, or Egypt, my home or concentration of study. I belong somewhere in the UK or Europe. I look at other people's pictures from places like Denmark, Czech Republic, Poland, Austria, Germany, and get really jealous because of the ease of travel, and the different kind of history that makes me even more excited than the pyramids would.
Granted, the pyramids were amazing. Everything here is amazing. But certain kinds of history strike a certain chord in my heart and make me squeal. Like some Victorian architecture I saw on a house on the way through town. I do like it here, and I am getting my fill of a unique experience. But ultimately? Not the place where I want to spend the rest of my life, or even want to specify in. I know this is awful to say even before one month of being here is through, but I've learned that part pretty quickly. All because my brain refuses to stop!
Nonetheless, after having several spazz attacks, I went to Zionism & Modern Judaism at 2:00. The first two weeks I dreaded going to this class. Now, not so much anymore - I mean, some of it doesn't pull at those aforementioned heart strings, but it's interesting material, anyway. I am working on choosing a research paper topic with the Holocaust which should be interesting since I spent the summer in USHMM. Narrowing it down should be fun, and that does touch on a particular interest.
I've also started, though I know I shouldn't, looking at grad school programs in Historical or Medieval Archaeology.
Mom, when you read this, would you kill me if I said I wanted to go to the UK for grad school?
-runs away-
You need long-distance hugs. *LONG-DISTANCE HUG!*
ReplyDeleteI know how the homesickness/regret/inability to enjoy anything feels. When I was in Europe, our trip was only 20 days, but it was the first time I'd been away from home for more than a few days. It seemed like nobody cared about me, nobody could help me with my problems or comfort me, and I kept doing everything wrong and then couldn't talk to anybody about it. I was sad A LOT. When the rest of the group was socializing, I just preferred to stay in my room and write or draw, because it reminded me of being home. I felt weak, and unlikable, and utterly pathetic, and so, so tired. I didn't have internet or cell phone while I was there, so I only contacted my parents through pay-phone a few times. I'm sure I sounded progressively more tired and sad every time (though my mom did say later that I did a very good job of sounding nonchalant when I mentioned I'd hurt my wrist and that it hurts a bit. You know--the wrist that turned out to be broken. LOL). After a while, I began wondering what I could have been doing with the $7,000 it took to get me there.
But afterward, I realized that the experiences I had over there were irreplaceable. Sure, they might not have been all fun...but I did so many things that lots of people spend their whole lives wishing they could do! I met a former member of Parliament! I saw the Lord of the Rings musical at the Royal Palace Theater on Drury Lane! I rode the noisiest ferry ever to France! I saw the Mona Lisa! I walked in Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris and climbed the Eiffel Tower! I stayed with a German family, visited a Belgian chocolate factory, went to a Cuckoo Clock workshop, white-water rafted in Switzerland, and broke my wrist!...In the NETHERLANDS!
I mean, really, perhaps the going was rough. But you can see, in all my comments on your blog, how much the experience affected me. I end up talking about it all the time!
So...don't despair. It WILL get better. Because you'll MAKE it so! Keep telling yourself that lots of people would give their right arm to be where you are, because it's true. What you're doing is AMAZING, and you should feel so proud of yourself that you're getting through this with the grace and maturity that you are. <3
RANT OVER. XD